10 Things That Will Absolutely, Positively, Definitely Happen at the French Open This Year

My 100% serious and 100% accurate predictions for the 2013 French Open.

1. Mikhail Youzhny will tell us how he really feels.

Last year in the third round in front of a packed crowd on Court Suzanne Lenglen, Mikhail Youzhny got trounced 6-0, 6-2, 6-2 by David Ferrer and, adorably, wrote “SORRI” in the clay with his racket.

This year, in front of four spectators on Court 16 as he loses a two-break lead in the fifth set to Lucky Loser No. 7, he’ll write out what’s really in his heart, “FUCK THIS SHIT.”

2. David Ferrer will complete his transformation.

Feeling he’s finally done everything he can on the tennis court and maximized his potential in his human body, David Ferrer will slowly turn back into his terrier form throughout the tournament. It will begin with a growl in round one, a bark in round two, and perhaps an inappropriate sniff in round three. By the time he reaches the final, where he’ll face his arch nemesis Nadal, he’ll be wagging his tail and merely playing fetch with the tennis ball, bringing it right to Nadal on the other side of the net. In an ironic twist, Nadal will be so scared of dog-Ferru that he’ll forfeit and Ferrer will finally get to his first Grand Slam title.

3. Serena and Vika will record a duet.

With the help of the new title sponsor of the WTA, RedFoo, Stacy Allaster will finally figure out how to take advantage of the shrieking and use the Serena vs. Vika final as an opportunity to record a hit duet. The sound of French boos and Sloane Stephens’ sobs will combine for a nice beat.

4. Cedric Mourier will be beamed into space.

As he sits there umpiring his first round match, a beam of light will come from above and with a zap, Cedric Mourier will disappear. Sitting in the locker room watching the whole thing on his iPad, Victor Troicki will laugh and self-five. It turns out “FROM THE SPACE” wasn’t just a phrase. He knows people.

5. Equal Pay will be an issue.

After their seven-hour first round match that has a combined 10 winners and 142 errors and stretches over three days thanks to daylight hours, rain showers, and a total of 16 breaks for cramping, Sergiy Stakhovsky and Gilles Simon will give a joint press conference from their hospital beds demanding that they get paid more than the women’s winner.

6. But Maria Sharapova will take care of it.

After hearing about the press conference, Maria Sharapova will whisper seductively into Grigor Dimitrov’s ear, “Remember that thing we talked about doing? Let’s do that thing.”

The young Bulgarian’s eyes will well up with fear, and his voice will quiver as he double checks with his beautiful boss. “That thing? You mean …” His voice will trail off as Sharapova’s icy stare signals that there is no more time to waste. He’ll grab his emergency Sugarpova credit card, run to rent the newest Ferrari, and promptly run over Stakhovsky and Simon.

Sharapova would do it herself, but she can’t be seen driving a Ferrari when she’s sponsored by Porsche.

7. British Journalists will discover tennis.

With a plethora of free time on their hands now that Andy Murray is out, the remaining British journalists who couldn’t cancel their hotel reservations on late notice will be delighted to discover that the typical warmup and cool-down acts for the Andy Murray concerts are actually a professional tennis tournament.

8. Nadal will finally eat the trophy.

Having made quite a dent the last eight years, Nadal will finally get to the center of the Tootsie Pop that is the French Open trophy after his victory in two weeks. Unfortunately he’ll discover that it actually tastes like a vegetable, and will vow to never get anywhere near the trophy again.

(Edit: Yes, in my predictions there are two male French Open winners. That’s clearly the only thing off about them.)

9. A match will end with a knock-out punch.

In her first round match, Yulia Putintseva will be so excited after she wins her first service game off of four consecutive Li Na errors that she will accidentally knock herself out while celebrating. From her unconscious state as she’s rolled out on a stretcher, she’ll mutter, “Davai! Come on! Allez! Your game is fucking horrible. I am the French Open Champion.”

10. Ovechkin will start a brawl.

Maria Kirilenko’s fiance Alex Ovechkin will get momentarily confused when he looks up after a changeover and sees a brunette player in front of him instead of Kirilenko. In a fit of furious rage he’ll start randomly punching French spectators and ripping out seats from the stadium.

Kirilenko, finding it adorable, will TwitPic the whole thing. “Ommggggggg so CuTe,” the captions will read.

Lindsay is an author, a filmmaker, a long-winded blogger, and a huge tennis fan.

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