To: BNP Paribas Open Tournament Director and Staff
From: Larry Ellison
Date: March 10, 2018
Re: Response to March 10, 2018 “Rain Event”
Ladies and Gentlemen:
As you are no doubt aware, this evening we experienced an unexpected “rain event” in tennis paradise. Needless to say, we are very disappointed that our event has been marred by these kinds of conditions and are committed to ensuring that it never happens again. With that goal in mind, the following improvements will be made immediately:
Rain at Indian Wells. Word in the press room is that Larry Ellison will respond by having a roof built……by tomorrow
— Christopher Clarey (@christophclarey) March 11, 2018
Clearly, it was an oversight not to have roofs on all of the stadiums, and actually another one covering the entire site, and perhaps a second dome over all of the roofs, to ensure perfect conditions at all times. Maybe we could add another roof over the other roofs. You can never have too many roofs.
2. Self-drying Courts
I’m told that these don’t exist. But it hardly seems possible that we would really run a tournament where there is rain (more on that later), where we would actually rely on an army of children to dry the place with large hair dryers and a large number of towels. Even if we can’t get self-drying courts immediately, the courts we have could at least immediately sprout grass and be playable within minutes, right? At least until Roger retires.
3. Climate Switch
For all the talk about climate change, there hasn’t been any effective discussion on how we could change the climate BECAUSE WE WANT TO, rather than because cow farts are trapping heat in our atmosphere. There has to be some way to adjust local weather conditions so as not to disrupt the events taking place in our #tennisparadise. After all, how many pictures of paradise have people huddled under umbrellas? None. So, we’re going to have to figure this out to remain as paradise-y as we have been.
4. More Nobus
The only thing worse than seeing our players waiting out the rain on court was watching our loyal fans huddle under ponchos and umbrellas (who even owns those things in Palm Desert anyway?) waiting out the rain. We did have the ballkids lead them in a rousing version of YMCA (and a bit of Macho Man too), but that was a poor substitute for appropriate diversions from the courts during the BNP Paribas Open. The answer — more Nobus, so people have an appropriate place to wait out the rain, so the stands don’t ever resemble an Emma Lazarus poem again.
5. Return or Exchange Tournament
I’m pretty sure no one actually mentioned that there was such a serious defect as rain that could affect this tournament. So, it would only seem fair that we reach out to the seller of the tournament as well as any of the other bidders who expressed interest when I bought this event and decided to try my hand at tournament-ing. I’m sure we can return or exchange this tournament — I just need to find the receipt. Maybe we can do something at my hotel on Lanai. I’m sure it will be great.
I trust these tasks will be complete by morning.
PS: While we are making improvements, is there any room for an army of terra cotta soldiers? Great, then add those to the list.