So, tonight Nike closed down a New York City street and hosted a promo extravaganza starring all of our favorite players (except poor Vika, who was probably forced to stay in a Nike factory to sew all of her own outfits for the US Open). While Nike probably thought closing the street was the amazing part of this event, we all know that getting this particular group of players together required a lot more engineering than a few measly government permits. Let’s examine what everyone was really thinking.
Tonight, it all goes down… pic.twitter.com/xbk3tC4iDm
— Madison Keys (@Madison_Keys) August 24, 2015
Madison: Genie, isn’t this awesome? We’re ‘coptering to NYC! We’re ballers!
Genie: I’m only hanging out with you because Nike is making me. By the way, would you mind if I had a chat with Lindsay? It’ll only take a few seconds.
Madison: Laura told me this would happen. Maybe I should have taken the train.
— Joely (@Rafito_Rogelio) August 24, 2015
Rafa: Ok, ladies, say cheese!
Serena: Maria, let me guess, black heart?
Maria: I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just look away from each other. Only Rafa could make me be in this selfie. He’s so adorable.
Serena: He totally is. Not that I agree with you. About anything.
A Little Advice…Or Not
Serena: So, Rog, you’re not about drama, and I’m definitely not about drama, but what if drama comes to you because you have the same sponsor and are at an event playing tennis in the street in NYC? What do you do then?
Roger: Did you see how cute my girls were in Cincy? I really did need a hat – it was so hot there.
Serena: I missed that…I must have been busy…with Drake.
Roger: I love “Hold On, We’re Going Home…,” the girls even sing it when we’re in the car.
Serena: We really lead different lives, don’t we? Well, I took that selfie with her only because Rafa asked. He’s too cute.
Roger: Tell me about it.
The Grand Finale!
Grigor: Dude, be cool. Do not stare longingly at her.
Kyrgios: Man, I’m glad to be in the back here. Good on you, Nike, for not giving me a mic. I’m just going to chill back here. I wonder if I can get a free ride back to the hotel in this cab. I’m a little short on cash.
McEnroe: I’m not sure why I’m stuck behind Genie. I’m still totally ripped. I wish I were standing next to Nick. That guy has personality.
Grigor: Do. Not. Stare.
Sampras: Only a few more minutes to go, and I can get out of here. I think I see my Uber coming. You tip on the app, so Barack Agassi over there can’t call me cheap again.
Genie: Seriously, if I sprint now, maybe I can get the helicopter back to New Haven before Madison can get there and have a quick chat with Lindsay. Can’t hurt, right? Madison can take the train back.
Grigor: Bro, LOOK AWAY.
Roger: I like being in the front. I wish Rafa were here with me.
Serena: How is it that I’ve won more Slams than anyone except Steffi – don’t try me with that Margaret Court Australian Open nonsense – and I’m standing next to Nick, while *she’s* up in front! At least Grigor is staring longingly at her. Awk-ward. I wonder if I should start humming a Drake song really loudly.
Grigor: Dude. Staring. Stop.
Agassi: Grigor, don’t sweat it, man. Maybe you should put one of her Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue photos on your fridge. I did that with Steffi, while I was married to Brooke, and look how well that turned out! Grigor, have you blinked recently?
Maria: This is the best. I’m going to laugh and show how awesome this is. I’m sitting in front, and he’s staring longingly at me. Eat your hearts out, everyone. This totally makes up for losing to Serena 17 times in a row, right?
Grigor: I think she saw me staring longingly at her. Damn.
McEnroe: Everyone can see you staring longingly at her. Just be glad you’re not hidden behind a Canadian giant.
Madison: I have got to make a run for it. Nick asked if we could hang out later, but he probably just wants me to buy dinner since he’s spent a lot of money lately on fines. I’m pretty sure Lindsay would think Nick’s a bad idea right now, right?
Rafa: I’m so happy Nike could bring together so many great players to put on this amazing event for the fans. We are a great team for Nike, and everyone gets along so well. But why is Grigor staring at Roger? Everybody knows I should be next to Roger. I’m gonna run up there and jump between him and Maria. Then we gonna see, no?